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⚠️ CW: Drinking, self harm and chicken guts

I recently got out of Gay Drug Jail, aka rehab. The facility in question was LGBTQ+ specific, hence the title of Gay Drug Jail.

No one really ever plans these things, no one really intends to go to rehab. I can't say that's entirely true in my case, though. My descent was certainly fabricated. It was very much a desperate self-destruct. I got a letter telling me that the unpaid energy bill from my last place had been sent to collections, with threats of garnishing my "wages, assets or property". I had to laugh. I have none of those things. That was the straw that broke this camels back, I suppose. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to opt-out. Not die, but just run away for a little bit. Go somewhere away from home where I knew I wouldn't have to worry about food.

All of that is to say, I relapsed in both drinking and self harming. My sobriety count at the time wasn't impressive, but I hadn't self-harmed in over a year, so that was a big loss. After a day of sleeping off my hangover, I weakly staggered into the ER with gaping self harm wounds, expecting (hoping) to be committed on the spot. Instead, I saw a psychiatrist on site and was referred to a facility, the titular Gay Drug Jail. To that I said what the hell, sure.

I was offered a cigarette within 5 minutes of me arriving at Gay Drug Jail.

It all happened very fast. Ending up at Gay Drug Jail wasn't what I intended or planned, but it's ultimately the best thing that's happened to me in a while. Don't get me wrong, rehab sucks. I couldn't sleep, the food kinda sucked, and the showers made me feel like I was a protestor being hosed down¹. But the community I found at rehab made up for all of it. I didn't know such a thing was possible. For that, I am immensely grateful.

I drew a lot while I was in rehab.

Now that I'm back on the outside, I've found myself in the middle of recovery. It was not at all my intention when I first checked myself into rehab; I only wanted to run away. I left Gay Drug Jail with much more. Community namely, and a newly-found attachment to my sobriety. Recovery was an unintended consequence, but it's one I plan to pursue. I want to give it the old college try :-)

& Now that I'm done with inpatient, I'm back in outpatient. I've been in outpatient before, once in 2019, following what was essentially an overdose (my body was shutting down). The difference between now and 2019 is, I didn't want to recover back then. I knew it was what I needed, but it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't even stay sober through treatment back then. That's not the case this go around.

I'm transparent with all of this because I want the issue of addiction and recovery to be unobscured. There's still much stigma, shame and misunderstanding surrounding it. There is much I'm learning myself. My being clandestine offers room for others struggling with addiction to be seen and heard. I expect I'll cover updates on my recovery in future posts.

Outside of outpatient, I've started attending a weekly AA meeting, whose structure and fellowship I've found to be surprisingly beneficial², and I plan to attend other similar groups. I have new found energy to pursue personal projects, such as this site. I'm looking to get this site fully back online soon. For now the goal is to get the blog and meme pages up. I have a zine I've been sitting on as well.

A preview from said zine.

To those with outstanding commissions, you can expect to hear from me with a refund soon, before the end of December. I'm very sorry yours were the ones to fall through the cracks. I think I'll avoid commissions for the time being. Maybe when I'm more stable.

As well, the guestbook is finally open again! If you're out there, please say hello. I've missed the small web dearly.

🙏🏼 Bendiciones