flesh of my flesh
Date: 2023-09-27Content & Trigger Warning: I speak about my struggle with addiction and self harm at dpeth.
I've relapsed, again. My last relapse was... in the summer. And the one before that, I can't remember well...
Well.
For context, a brief history of my struggle with drinking:
2015, graduated high school, took a gap year. Spent half of the year in Mexico where I was the drinking age, and spent a lot of time alone, hammered in my room. Dabbled in self harm. I had just started birth control and it threw me into the depression pit. Came back to the states, couldn't drink, so I had to stop for a while. Got into college. Drank a bit at parties (which I didn't go to often). Then I reached drinking age here in the states. It started off normal, and then snowballed. Many such cases. Had a serious problem with binge drinking + the self harm escalated. I would say summer of 20' was the worst of it. Got back into therapy and did an out patient recovery program. Then, a thing happened that I believe I've alluded to in an earlier entry. My roommate at the time (who was also my bestfriend) moved out with only 2 weeks notice. It was very awkward because she refused to talk to me about it, she said she "didn't want to fight". Whatever that meant. And so she moved out, and because we shared the same friend group, I felt very awkward. I ended up excising myself from everybody. I broke up with my boyfriend and at some point he went missing. Mind you, I was in my final semester of college while all this was happening, I was trying to graduate. The pandemic was also happening. Very fun times for me!I guess the biggest question I have now, the one thats been nagging at the back of my head and which I've been ignoring, is...
Well, the question isn't so simple.
Should sobriety be the goal? Should I be aiming for total abstinence?
Or is it enough to just, be stable and not abusing it? Not going on benders and waking up covered in open wounds and caked up blood like I used to? To be relapsing less and less?
I've reached this equilibrium where my drinking resembles something actually normal, a cider or two in the bath after an especially long shift, a drink or two at dinner with a friend, so on, that kind of thing.
Maybe the question is, is sobriety something I want? What do I want, and what am I actually ready for?
I'm still formulating the questions.
It's annoying to be covered in wounds. The self harm, for me, is completely born of the drinking. I find myself too far off the deep end, and in that moment the best way I can find to ground myself is to watch the life drip out of me. Blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. When I first started cutting myself in earnest, there was a kind of satisfaction to it, sick as it may be. I won't deny that. There is the visual and physical aspect to it. You can see it, the life seeping out of you that you thought maybe wasn't there. And you can feel it too, especially in the days after, when you're sober and your cells are working and twisting to stitch you back together. It itches, it kinda hurts sometimes, and that was honestly reassuring.
But now that I find myself raw and open in several places again... it's annoying. I have to stop at the store before work tomorrow to buy first aid stuff. That's money that should be going towards rent or bills instead. I can't roll up my sleeves at work for a while. Drunk as I was, I even have wounds on my hands now, and I just have to hope that people will be merciful enough to not comment on that.
Ah, what do I even say to my manager tomorrow... I had to call out the other day. Somehow the idea of admitting to self harming is easier to me than admitting to being a drunkard. But they're both so ugly. I feel very ugly, things are very ugly right now.
I feel ugly, and annoyed, because I guess somehow I thought I was past this already, or above it even.
Ah, I have to start taking my naltrexone again... I completely forgot about that.
092323
Date: 2023-09-23"you KNOW I don't drink wine. If it ain't brown, it don't go down!"
I took this past week off of work (save for one day) with the intention of resting a little bit and doing some deep cleaning at home. I'm here to report I rested a lotta bit and got None deep cleaning done. I mean I did run some errands, tidied a bit and did the dishes but thats it, lol. I'm tired man!! What else is new -_- The one day I did work was my short shift at the cafe, and my manager asked me how my week of cleaning and errands was going. Felt like Squidward getting asked "Are you finished with those errands?" ~_~
It's nice to rest, but I wish I could've done some actual cleaning, sweep and mop or something... I don't even work that much (not more than 30 hours a week) but it takes so much out of me and it's hard to keep house. Like, our place isn't a mess but the grime is building up, and well, that equals a mess in my eyes :-( How much longer does it have to be like this...?
At least I don't have to work today's wedding... but I did agree to work in the cafe on REDACTED, even though that's my day off 🙃 My manager is a workaholic and mentioned not getting a day off in like 10 days. I was like damn, you're lucky I like you + I need the money anyways (said internally ofc).
I did finish Utena recently. I cried super hard at the ending. I still have the sound track playing in my head days later. I've had some friends mention wanting to watch it for the first time or rewatch, so I'm working on organizing a lil watch-club sort of thing. I'm thinking whatever day they pick will be my new day off of work. I hope this works out, I'm not always the best at organizing things. I'm looking forward to their reactions + dissecting it with friends.
Danney's boo thang has a PC they want to get rid of so they're giving it to us!! I'm gonna try my hand at fixing it up, and I plan on dual booting windows and linux on it. I've been wanting to dip my toes into linux for a little while now. I grew up on windows and had to switch to macOS in college, and just never made the switch back. I suppose I do like apple better at the end of the day, but I still lament my lack of options in gaming, and while the GUI is pretty clean accross their devices, there's still much lacking re: customization. Like, I can't change the icons for "essential" apps and it drives me a bit mad. I wonder if I can hack it somehow by disabling SIP and running the right terminal commands. OSX feels like an impenetrable fortress and well, I guess that's the point.
Also, I switched back to librefox, lol. Still keeping chromium around for the sake of cross-browser testing. Here's the new set up, with a peek into my Twizted mind (aka my 100+ tabs):
And while I'm at it, here are my laptop and mobile wallpapers:
I do sometimes think about sharing my wallpapers like this somewhere on my site but I'm not sure where. Maybe a /now page?
The rain today is much welcome. I need to get up and get my laundry from the basement and work on this commission but, I'm here on the couch typing this, and I have my girl snuggled with me... I just ate an entire pizza, and drank one of my favorite drinks. When I was young and struggling to grow within the confines of my parents walls, this was the kind of life I dreamed of. This, right here. My aspirations have never been grand. Take this for example:
I found this while looking through some files from my college days ("career plan & creative life worksheet"). I've achieved the first 2 at least. As for the chickens, these days I think I'd be better with a pet pigeon instead. But I won't be able to afford any new pets for a while, I think. I do still want a vermicompost (worm farm)! I don't even want it for the gold (fertilizer) they'd make, I just think worms are neat. Though I'm sure Danney would love some worm gold for his garden. It wouldn't be hard to set up or maintain, and it's not cost prohibitive. It's just a matter of finding the time to do it. Well, it's getting cold outside anyways... I wonder how they'd fare in the basement?
I'm always tired, broke and usually in pain, but life is OK, I think.
rana pipiens
Date: 2023-09-12CW: Animal death imagery below (preserved specimens).
We've endured the summer's brutal rays, once again. On the other side is the relief of cooler weather. The melted goo-pile of my brain can finally solidify in my skull again. The leaves are starting to change color. I wouldn'tve even noticed until farther into the fall, if my coworker hadn't pointed it out to me yesterday.
Been getting more hours at work. Consequnetly I'm not hurting for cash right now. I even went out for sushi last night!! The joy of tasty food and warm sake in my belly. And good company. But my body hurts. Feel like I got run over by a car and I'm exhausted. Called out of work today and I've spent most of today laying on the couch. Couch potato. My natural state.
Even if I wasn't ignoring or in denial about certain things re: my health and my body, the irrefutable fact is this job is brutal. And it's frustrating that I don't have the stamina for manual labor that I used to. Because what else am I supposed to do, how else am I supposed to make a living? The only skill I have is art and that isn't marketable or valuable. I mean really, what am I supposed to do? Just keep ignoring it and pushing my body until it gives out and I can't ignore it anymore?
Maybe I should've just popped some tylenol and gone into work today. Sorry to my coworkers, who for the most part are older and more worn down than me. But I just, don't wanna end up like them...
In other work-related news, I'm coming up on a year of working here at REDACTED. And finally, after almost a year of asking and nudging, I'm working in the cafe. Just once a week, as a hostess. One of the regular hostesses is busy with school and needed to cut their hours, so I'm stepping in. Not as physically demanding, and more chill, but it pays less (minimum wage). But still, it's a much appreciated change of pace, from catering and working events.
Still, I don't want to work here for another year. It's hard on my body, I hate the clientale, and I hate that it saps me of time/energy to do things I actually care about or have interest in. But I doubt that I'll ever be afforded better.
I don't know, if I have to keep doing shitty service work, and especially if it has to be food-related, I wish I could work as a barista. But I never finished my barista training at my old job, I quit before I could. The phsyicality and the ritual of it, and being able to make something tangible that other people can enjoy... The times I worked the barista station at my old job were the closest I got to work-fulfillment. My old coworkers even said that I looked confident and in-my-element on barista.
Well... If I don't want to be here, then I just have to start job searching again. Would be nice to get consistent, reliable hours. Maybe if I write an impassioned cover letter and interview well...
Ugh.
Besides toiling away at work, I've also been "touching grass" (going out in the world, being social). I went to the science museum the other day. And some days before that, I went out to run errands, and got caught up in the spirit of the neighborhood... stopped into a bookstore I'd been meaning to check out, then stopped into the brewery next door, and then stumbled on a little community get-together in an empty lot. Artists with set up stalls, a stage for poets and flamenco dancers, more beer, and food. I played plinko and won a history book about my neighborhood. I still need to read it in earnest. I haven't been reading much this year. The book club I've been running for me and my friends is dying, it's due to be deprecated. Just moving past, and onto other things. Many such cases.
I'm nearing the end of my Utena rewatch, and feeling emotional... was literally tearing up watching episode 34. I'm glad I got my roommate to watch it with me, feels good to spread the yuri gospel. Rewatching it while Danney is watching it for the first time is funny, cause he's there absorbing this for the first time, and I'm opposite him on the couch connecting dots and coming to conclusions. Like OH, that's what that meant or DAMN, that was foreshadowing!! God this anime is so immense and so special. Reminds me that I haven't updated my media log in forever :-( .... I haven't forgotten about it, I'm just busy.
P.S., You might remember the disclaimer I used to have in the sidebar of my journal. I removed it because I realized it wasn't genuine. The truth is, I am writing for an audience, however small. I'm shy, and wanting privacy, but still want to be seen. Many such cases. The compromise I've come up with is writing my journal and posting it publically, but making it hard to reach. It's not linked on the site menu or on the site map. You're here by chance, or because you want to be here.
P.P.S., I reached 100 followers on neocities while I was busy slaving away at work!! Holy shmoly. That's like, the equivalent of 1k twitter followers or something. More than anything I'm happy to have found this shared space on the web, and I'm happy to be building community here. It still surprises me when people say they like my site or that my site inspired them. But the truth is, you guys inspire me too!! Sending much love and thanks :^) Let's keep working towards a healthier, more connected web!
Evil thoughts
Date: 2023-08-20 (AM)No-called No-Showed to work the other day. Woke up at the same time I was supposed to clock in (11:30AM), didn't feel like paying for an uber again, taking the bus was out of the question. I entered some kind of choice paralysis. I ended up just not going to work. I thought, if other people can no-call no-show to work, why not me? Netty can have little a no-call no-show, as a treat. So, after sitting paralyzed in my bed for an hour and feeling shitty, I got out of bed. And still felt shitty, but at least I was out of bed.
This tweet is relevant. I feel ambivalent about it. ADHD is so unserious, and yet the way it effects my day-to-day is very serious. As I sat in bed with my mind paralyzed, I thought of this tweet. Yeah, I really can't do anything!
The weather today (2023-08-19) was atrocious. The high was 100 (that's 38 for my celsius boos). And still, the couple insisted they needed to have their wedding outdoors. It was miserable outside. The candles were melting before even being lit. Started sweating bullets as soon as I stepped out. As I went around the courtyard setting the tables, I stood in the place where the bride and groom were to sit. Directly under the merciless sun.
Whatever.
Summer is wedding season. I've worked plenty of weddings at this point, and I've come to this conclusion: If the celebration of your union requires the underpaid labor of me and my coworkers, you will die and go to hell. This couple especially. Dragging everybody out into the unbearable heat. Untenable, dangerous even!
I'm a huge romantic sap, but the brutal reality of working these weddings tempers that quite a bit. I was ambivalent about marriage before; saw it as nothing more than a formality fabricated by law and beauracracy, upheld by societal standards. The sentimental aspect of celebrating your union with your friends and loved ones (regardless of its recognition by official entities) was something I could get behind. But now...?
I want to like weddings, but working extravegant ones like these, whose cost easily tallies that of my college education.... I think these people should pay off student loans for me and all my coworkers and then fucking kill themselves.
Sorry for thinking evil thoughts (but not really). Can you blame me for rejecting the humanity of those that reject mine? I'm not even a person to most of these people.
I want to be a problem. But I have to work, and do my job, earn a living. How miserable.
Peace and Love on Planet Fart?
Date: 2023-07-05I've been living here for over a month now. It started pretty rocky, as most moves do - but we're all settled now, and Katrina is getting used to Danney's boys. Slowly but surely. An order is being established. There's a sense of peace.
As much as I enjoyed living alone, living with Danney is better for me right now, I think. Largely out of financial necessity. But also for other reasons - like, I love Danney's boys, and they're my boys now. I love bullying Vinny everyday, and Toby is a sweet sweet boy. He had a massive dental surgery recently and is left with only two teeth :-( I've been helping administer his medicine x2 a day, and it always hurts a little. I'm pretty good at pinning cats down and giving them medicine, but that doesn't mean it's fun! It always sucks to put Toby in a position like that.
PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET FART...? (from left to right to bottom: Katrina, Toby, Vinny.)
The dynamics between the cats are as follows: Vinny(short for Vincent) is an inbred farm cat with mashed potato for brains, and Toby is a gay uncle with a fragile and delicate demeanor. Katrina (who remains my #1, obviously) is a polite 'lil old lady(slash secret alien) and, recently discovered, a misandrist. She's not keen on either of the boys! But we're working on it. She's (begrudingly) warming up to them. I hope she comes around fully soon, coz I'm tired of having her litterbox in my room and having her litter track in my bed -_-
Was skimming through my past entries and realized just about all of them are bitter and pained! Haha, oops. I'm not like that largely, I promise! I'm just terminally broke and stressed, and I live in a society(TM)... can you fault me for that? I think for the most part in my day-to-day I'm actually a pretty up-beat individual. Just last night Danney said I was like a Patrick-Squidward hybrid. So like, if Patrick and Squidward had a Yaoi Baby. This is my invitation for you to envision a Spongebob-Patrick-Squidward polycule. Have fun with that thought experiment.
Couldn't find any fan art of a spongebob-squidward-patrick polycule. Maybe the people just aren't ready yet
Decided to listen to AJJ's album Knife Man today, and realized that they released an new album recently (Disposable Everything)!! AJJ was such a formative band for me in high school, and now that I'm three years out of college, I can honestly say they hold up. The sentimentality is strong! My favorite song from the new album so far is Schadenfruede:
Mine eyes start to bleed, glued to my Schadenfeed...
...I wanna bottle this feeling
I wanna take a bump of it
It's a beautiful, American emotion
By the way, Happy belated Fart of Poo-Lie (4th of July)! I spent the 4th of July pleasantly drunk and couldn't hear the sound of fireworks over the sound of our a/c working its hardest and anime on the TV.
ALRIGHT, WHO FUCKING HURGLED?
I've been doing some digital house cleaning recently. I recently downloaded a chromium-based browser, which isn't a change I would easily make - I was using it part time for a couple of days before switching to it full time. The unfortunate truth is, I'm an aesthetical bitch before... well, not before anything else, but before most things. And my browsing experience has NEVER been this aesthetic:
Not to mention the features - This browser is doing some interesting things and I'm here for it, honestly. I'm able to organize my countless tabs without the use of extensions, and that's pretty damn valuable to me! Before I was drowning in a sea of almost exactly 100 tabs. Now, tabs that I don't organize or bookmark are automatically deleted on a schedule of my choosing, trimming the fat. And what a relief, honestly. Everytime I opened Librefox the weight of those tabs was... well, there. With this new browser, I don't carry that weight any more.
Now, I've been using firefox(and more recently Librefox) for a while now - so you can imagine my surprise when I visited a site on the small web recently and was greeted with a lengthy pop-up message admonishing me for using a chromium-based browser. It was very timely! Right after I made the for-sure switch (setting the new browser to default). And I get it, I do. I mean, I'm here on the small web, aren't I? Still, couldn't help but feel a bit *tch* and *eye roll emoji*. And maybe part of that is defensive. Look, when there's a non-chromium based browser with features like this BUILT in, not counting on extensions, then I'll switch back. Or, whenever the CEO of this browser's company shows himself for the snake he (maybe(probably)) is.
Listen, I'm no one's chump! I really don't care how cool and approachable your company branding is, and I don't care how many vlogs you do for board meetings or feature workshops or whatever. Like, I appreciate the supposed transparency, I guess. But at the end of the day, I'm not gonna readily trust anyone that willingly puts themselves in a CEO position, lol. I read their privacy policy and terms of conditions, and I'm taking them at their word. The instant that policy or TOC changes to something I won't tolerate, bye-bye browser!
Anyways, I'll leave you with this tiny doodle from work:
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, etc etc.
Good to sea you
Date: 2023-06-25I wrote several paragraphs, and backspaced them all. I will tell you succinctly:
I am tired. So, that has not changed from the last entry. I've written several entries since the last published one (041523). Don't know when or if I will publish those entries written in the interim. For now the major update you need to know: I moved out of my tiny studio apartment and moved in with my best friend Danney. I like it here. I'm already worried about being able to stay here. Rent here is cheaper, but the move itself really sucked me dry. Ugh, I don't wanna think about it...
I wish I was breaking my body for something I actually cared about. Something I liked even a little bit.
Worked a wedding today(yesterday) and while I was polishing plates the priest said to me, "So you got stuck (polishing plates)". I said, "It's my job." It's either polishing plates, or some other menial task: serving food, filling water glasses, washing dishes, etcetra. I hate all these tasks equally. I wish Father would've minded his own business. "I've been there before", he said, and yet you aren't here now. In fact, I'm willing to bet the distance between now and when you were in my shoes, working service, is significant - so just stay out of it. Tch.
The wedding was so boring. The music was terrible, mostly hits from the 2000's/2010's, but not even the good ones. Katy Perry, NSYNC, Taylor Swift. Others. Such a caucasian and uninspired wedding.
Summer, summer is full of weddings at my work. Summer is also when I'm at my worst mentally. What I call Reverse Seasonal Depression. Where others wilt in the winter, I snap awake - and in the summer, I deflate, melted by the heat and humidity. It feels a bit twisted. I should love the summer, right? Given my heritage. And yes, my carribean genes means I can withstand the heat phsyically, but not mentally. No, my summers growing up were all awful, and now my brains been conditioned: the weather warms, and my mental health takes a dip.
All I want is to tell Elba's story. Maybe I don't want it bad enough. Maybe I will die without having told her story, or releasing one good meaningful comic, and in that case, I will become a restless, vengeful ghost. If my passion was not enough in the world of the living, then maybe my angst in the world of the dead will be enough - to inflict on people.
That Worm Is Surely Global
Date: 2023-04-15I'm melting.... it's sweltering hot in my apartment. Snows all but melted. Feels like they jumped gun from spring right to summer. Found myself lamenting the change, but while I was cutting through the park on my walk to work, I saw people swinging in hammocks... and I changed my mind.
Apparently it's supposed to snow next weekend. How fucking twisted is that? That worm is surely global. Its concerning...
A snowman someone built outside of my building. His scarf is a doggy doo bag.
With the warm weather comes more shifts at work. Wedding season is upon us... I hate working weddings. But even with the uptick in shifts, it's not enough for me to live on, so I'm searching for another job. A second job. How inhumane! Few things are as dehumanizing and demoralizing as writing resumes and cover letters. The opposition that I feel is visceral. But I have no choice. I'll curate and tailor my image and my words and I'll sell more of my labor. For pittance wage. I almost wish I hadn't quit my last job... almost. The pay was decent, the tips were killer, but no amount of pay would make that bullshit tolerable. Tch... I'm boiling just thinking about it. Maybe I'll tell you about it, another day.
Submit more job apps... sell my plasma... ah, I should look into food benefits... I've been so broke lately, it's gotten... kind of severe? I didn't have it quantified for me until I stepped on the scale at a doctors appointment recently. I'd lost 10 pounds... it's easy enough for me to laugh and brush it off. Sleep in a box, one meal a day, sleep for dinner. The life of a broke 20-something! But my hair is thinning... and to be frank, I'm so tired of being hungry. I forget that there's apparently resources out there for me... food stamps, food pantry, whatever. I'll look into it, I guess...
At the doctors office.
The stress is oppressive. I need for this work. I'll break myself to pieces just for this to work out. I've got to get out of this apartment. Me and my girl, we've gotta get out! Not that it's so bad here... and lord knows I love living alone. But it's financially untenable. And maybe if I move out, I can leave her shadow behind. The sting of how dirty she did me.
I saw her at the co-op last week, and my stomach dropped. I was shaking with rage. She was working the register... I floated over to a register at the opposite end of the store, and still her cheery voice carried over that space. Infuriating. This city is too small. A big part of me wanted to go up to her and make her cry, but I was with friends... would be a shitty thing to do to someone while they're working, but I'm owed reparations anyways.
You have no context for this grief of mine. Again, something to share another time.
How much longer do I have to tough it all out...? For life, probably. But when can I catch a break?
guh
Date: 2023-03-16First and foremost, it must be understood that anything I say on this page, is not being said to you, the reader, but to the entity I imagine is my Journal. The fact that you're reading this is simply a secondary consequence, which I make the presient decision to ignore.
10 Layers Questionnare
Date: Mar 12 2023Do you remember back in the day when personal quizzes and surveys were in? I haven't done one since my deviantArt days. There's definitely a self-indulgent appeal to them, copying and pasting them to your own journal and writing over the answers with your own. I doubt much of anyone read the ones I did as a kid on dA, and I doubt many people will read this one either. It's fun to do regardless. For old times sake!
I found this one while browsing old sozai sites on the wayback archive (from kao-ani.com specifically). Let's get to peeling the layers of my onion:
Layer One
- Name: You can call me Netty.
- Birth date: REDACTED
- Birthplace: Southern US
- Current Location: Midwest US
- Gender: I don't have that.
- Eye Color: REDACTED
- Hair Color: REDACTED
- Height: Short.
- Righty or Lefty: Right-handed
- Zodiac Sign: Pisces
- Your heritage: Latine.
- The shoes you wore today: None (stayed at home all day).
- Your weakness: I'm stubborn, and Danney says I'm too shameless.
- Your fears: Not a fan of heights.
- Your perfect pizza: Pineapple with banana peppers!! And some ham too if I'm feeling it.
- Goal you'd like to achieve: REDACTED
- Your most overused phrase on IM: I guess our modern day equivalent would be DMs... not sure about phrases, but I use the
emoji a lot. - Your thoughts first waking up: Who can remember?
- Your best physical feature: My lips and my fat ass.
- Your most missed memory: I don't usually entertain these kinds of thoughts.
- Pepsi or Coke: Coke.
- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds... their fries are the best, as delicious as their flavor is fleeting.
- Single or group dates: You know, I've never been on a group date, so I guess I can't say.
- Adidas or Nike: Whatever's on sale.
- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Not sure... haven't had nestea in a while. Lipton, probably.
- Chocolate or vanilla: Dark chocolate.
- Cappuccino or coffee: All coffee!
- Smoke: Socially in college, but not anymore.
- Sing: Yeah, why not.
- Take a shower everyday: More like every other day (assuming I don't sweat).
- Do you think you've been in love: I've been in love every day of my life.
- Want to go to college: Did my time, got my useless art degree.
- Like(d) high school: Good heavens no.
- Want to get married: No, unless it becomes imperative for certain legal benefits.
- Believe in yourself: I try to!
- Get motion sickness: Lol, no.
- Think you're attractive: Hell yeah.
- Think you're a health freak: No way.
- Get along with your parent(s): Ugh, redacting this one too
- Like thunderstorms: Can't lie, they freak me out a little.
- Play an instrument: Played clarinet in middle school band, ukelele in high school. Haven't touched an instrument since. I think learning bass could be fun!
In the past month, have you...
- Drank alcohol: A few ciders, yeah.
- Smoked: No.
- Done a drug: No.
- Made Out: No.
- Gone on a date: No.
- Gone to the mall?: I rarely if ever go to the mall anymore, I'm too fucking broke.
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No, but I accidentally the entire choco bar yesterday.
- Eaten sushi: No.
- Been on stage: No.
- Been dumped: No.
- Gone skating: Don't know how, so no.
- Made homemade cookies: I hate my oven, so no.
- Gone skinny dipping: No.
- Dyed your hair: No.
- Stolen anything: Hehe... no.
Have you ever...
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No, but I'd be down if the crowd was right.
- If so, was it mixed company: N/A
- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
- Been caught "doing something": Haha, almost, in high school.
- Been called a tease: No.
- Gotten beaten up: I asked a kid on the playground to punch me in the stomach because I wanted to experience pain. I did a lot of things like that as a kid. Outside of that, no.
- Shoplifted: On accident one time when I was a kid.
- Changed who you were to fit in: Not since I was in school.
- Age you hope to be married: N/A
- Numbers and Names of Children: My sweet sweet girl, Katrina.
- Describe your Dream Wedding: N/A
- How do you want to die: Not concerned with that.
- What do you want to be when you grow up: Anything but poor.
- What country would you most like to visit: There are still places in Puerto Rico and Mexico I want to see. Outside of that, Japan is a loftier dream.
- Opposite sex (or the same?): I'm bisexual.
- Best eye color? As long as it's not blue.
- Best hair color? Don't care.
- Short or long hair: Erm... I can't lie that I have a type (bald/buzzcut), but ultimately I'm not picky.
- Best Height? ...Taller than me, please.
- Best weight: I have to be honest, I don't wanna date another skinny person.
- Best articles of clothing: I like a good turtle neck, I guess.
- Best first date location: Don't really care.
- Best first kiss location: Couldn't say.
- Number of drugs taken illegally: I only have weed and underage drinking under my belt.
- Number of people I could trust with my life: Two, counting myself.
- Number of CDs that I own: Used to own a few as a kid, but none now.
- Number of piercings: 7. Philtrum, bridge, 2 on my left lobe, 3 on my right.
- Number of tattoos: None, for now...
- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: None that I know of.
- Number of scars on my body: A whole bunch, from self harming. Mostly on my forearms and thighs. Only other noticeable scar is on my spine, from when I got a tumor removed.
- Number of things in my past that I regret: None.
A Stunning Display Of Philanthropy
Date: Mar 09 2023Yesterday's event was a charity dinner for the women alumni of REDACTED, a private liberal arts college. On International Womens Day, no less. We held it in Paulson hall, the smaller, newly rennovated space. I like working events there - fits about 60 people max, which is a good size, in my opinion. Not insignificant, but not overwhelming. And the space is small, but not too small... everything is contained, and clean up is easier.
Dinner service was starting and I was going around placing salads. Guests were still trickling in, dinner hadn't started in earnest yet, so not everyone was seated. A women standing at her table was in my way, so I said, "Behind you, M'am". She turned around and said to me, "They should have you guys wear bells."
Am I a dog? Wait, dogs don't wear bells.
Am I a cat? Regardless, I hated it. And that's not the first time I got that comment. Gotten it a few times now. And each time, they think they're so funny, so smart. I hate serving the rich... they can't even be original or interesting. Why bother, when you have money to spare? $100 specifically, which was the minimum required donation for all dinner attendees that night. After dinner service, I stood by the bar and watched as the women drank coffee, ate dessert, and talked.
I found myself reminiscing, thinking back to my gap year after high school graduation. Half of that year I spent in Mexico, where my mother remarried. The other half I spent at home in Atlanta. I was deeply, deeply depressed. I binge watched the entirety of Friends within the span of 2 months, it was that bad. With all that free time and directionless, I looked into volunteer oppurtunities in the city. Not because I felt a call, but because I had the time, and I wanted to try something new. I ended up volunteering at what was arguably the most destitute shelter in the city at that time. A yoga studio in a rich Atlanta neighborhood ran a program where they assembled and delivered meals to the residents of the shelter. I went with them on a delivery. I distributed food, looked new people in the eye, and wondered if what I was doing even meant anything. And then, the Hug Line happened... the volunteer coordinator had us all line up and hug the men of the shelter.
I understand. I'd like to think I understood it back then, too... homeless people are so immensely othered and diminished by society at large. But 19 year old me was so, so inside of themself. Sealed far away, and deathly afraid of intimacy at any level. Family always said that I was too serious, grouchy, heartless even, but what I really was, was afraid. So you can imagine how I felt, hugging these strangers, with expectant eyes on me. I quickly defaulted to smiles, friendly pats and handshakes, but it was obvious to me that that was frowned upon. Hugging just felt too vulnerable, too raw and tender. Younger me couldn't stand it.
Imagine the serendipity, then, of my coworker (the bartender) throwing a friendly arm around me, only to quickly retract it and apologize for not asking first. I laughed and said it was okay. It's okay for 26 year old me. Not for 19 year old me, though.
My co-worker was clearly miffed with our dinner guests and bored (I was as well, just wasn't showing it). She kept whispering to me, chiding them, and I'm terrible at volume control so best I could do was smile or chuckle back. But yeah, these women were kind of insufferable, as most of the people we serve are. "Do you see any POC in this room?" She asked and in my best whisper I answered "One", though by the end of the night I had counted 3, in a mayonnaise sea of almost 60 women.
We were witness to a stunning display of philanthropy. One of the speakers recalled the 'goldilocks principle': "Some of you may think $100 is too much; others, not enough." I tuned them out after that. They rounded out the night with good old democracy: everyone voted on their phones for what to put their money towards. In the end, they collectively raised over 7k towards some scholarship, specific to their alma mater. Some future "Gustie" will be very lucky.
There's a bigger discussion to be had here, about wealth and philanthropy. But my blue-collar brain is too tired from work to seriously entertain that right now. Suffice it to say... short of relinquishing their wealth, the best thing the rich can do for the betterment of society is to die.